Jun 022013

Dear <Inset Customer Name>,

I cannot adequately describe my disappointment on hearing that you consider the choice of ‘Toys’r’Us’ <Insert Hosting Name> as an under-performing hosting provider for a high performance architecture who are not fulfilling your operational requirements.

I’m sure that you will find my impeccable credentials as Chief-‘Hosting Monkey’-Consultant are suitable to allow me to provide you with a proposal for hosting re-provision with an alternative provider – ‘Fisher Price’ <Insert Hosting Name>, who have assured me that their hosting environment has in-fact been built by their lead 5 year (old) infrastructure solutions architect.

I am of course willing to sacrifice compromise my professional integrity in order to satisfy paying customer requirements. Please indicate your acceptance of this proposal, which will incur a nominal consulting fee in the region of approximately 30 40 50 grand to re-provision to a hosting environment that has actually learned to walk, talk and stand on its own two feet for more than 24hrs …

Multiple, consecutive 24hr periods of service availability are unfortunately likely to require further investment kerching which as I’m sure you’re aware having services available for such extreme extended periods >24hrs puts you firmly into the high availability arena.

As a consultant I’m sure you will acknowledge that I am ethically and morally challenged torn between my obligation to fulfill my customers requirements and the personal desire to provide further consultancy fees satisafaction. I will send you a detailed and fully documented hosting design as part of the proposal … (now where’s my fag packet – that’s cigarette packet to our US cousins).

Unfortunately I am unable to accept the burden of fault for  my others actions as this would require me to accept personal responsibility (and I’m not called ‘Consultant’ for nothing). There is likely to be a up-sell period of review to ensure that responsibility for the re-provision can be shifted shared between the relevant parties.

Thank you, please indicate if you are in agreement to provide the contents of your wallet as a down payment to … <Insert Consultant’s Name>

(Like Carlsberg – Probably … <Insert Hosting Name>’s least favourite person) … Lulz …

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